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I’m not good at journaling, never have been.  I just don’t write my thoughts down every day…but I find myself trying to pick up this habit and attempting to journal every once in a while.  It never sticks (also why my blog posts are random and few & far between), but I try.  I did “try” to start again a few months ago as a way to mull through my feelings about an intense situation that was taking place in our lives.

After sharing a few posts here about our journey these last 6 months with the diagnosis process for Micah and the confirmation that he has Autism, I feel I should share the journal entry that I wrote soon after realizing or “discovering” that Micah was different.

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It’s been amazing how many of my friends and acquaintances have approached me about the autism subject since we sent out our Christmas newsletter & had a one-page mention about Micah’s diagnosis.  I never thought it would mean that much to so many others.    I want to be candid and transparent though.  I don’t want someone that might read this post, or earlier ones to think that I am super-strong and never struggled or freaked out at all, cause that is far from the truth.  I totally had my sleepless nights and cry fests….so if you are beginning down this journey into the world of Special Needs parenting or diagnosis of some other disorder/condition/etc…don’t think you are weak, or alone, for that matter.   We were all in your shoes at one point…but, there is hope.  This is not the end.  Things can be & will be tough, but you do not walk this path alone.

Now I’m just gonna post straight from my journal and share with you my thoughts from those early days…

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“2 Aug 11

10:13pm

It was 3 weeks ago this Monday.  That was the day that while I was sitting watching Micah do a repetitive behavior of walking in circles around the kitchen/living room for 10 minutes, only to be interrupted by a short diaper change, and then return to walking in circles for another 7 minutes, that is when I realized something was not right.  Developmentally, this is NOT a normal behavior for a 21-month old.

It was at that moment that my fears were revealed.  The thing I had feared the most, even before his birth… and, at each milestone I had checked for any signs of – that fear was now staring me plainly in the face and taunting me.

It was in that second of time that I understood what was going on…Micah was likely Autistic.

(My actual thought at this moment was: Oh.. Myyy.. God!  Micah’s Au-tis-tic!)

As soon as I recognized this behavior of this developmental disorder, all the other behaviors that had gone unnoticed came rushing to my mind clear-as-day.  Micah wasn’t speaking anymore – it wasn’t just him not talking as much, like he does during teething episodes because his mouth hurts.  He wasn’t talking – period, the end.  This had happened slowly over the last 2 months…words beginning to drop off here & there and be replaced with cries and other verbal/visual cues.  Also, there were the unexplained tantrums.  They totally made sense – another behavior!  There was the babbling, the lack of pointing, the other repetitive behaviors that also ALL started up these last few months…add that up with Micah’s temperament/nature to be sensitive to light, sound, & touch, and all the dots seemed to connect.

It all made sense.   Horrible sense…but, still, now I understood.

My heart sank!  How could this be?!?    Micah made all of his milestones goals.  He had a good vocabulary…

How could he have Autism (or another neurological disorder)??

Why him? Why, God!

Please, don’t let this be!  This can’t be happening….but, it is.

This is how I felt.  Totally defeated. Scared. Hurt.

My precious child had something wrong and I  couldn’t protect him from it.  I couldn’t fix it… I felt the most powerless I have ever felt in my life.

God, please help…don’t let this happen!

I’m not ready for this.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this…

Please?…

Just silence… &  the aching in my heart –

– interrupted by the idiosyncratic giggles coming from my child who was now fascinated with climbing up & down, up & down, up & down, in a chair.

That’s how it all started….”

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Tags: autism, candid, diagnosis, diary, God, help, hope, journal, micah, reflection, scared, share, special needs child
Filed under: Health & Fitness, Micah, My Life