It was a year ago today that I discovered that the path God had for your life was so different from what I had dreamed of… this angered and terrified me – all at the same time.

Though it took five more months to confirm (through official channels) the identity of your challenging nemesis, I did not need that.  I knew from that moment what would be revealed.   I knew it’s name – and the myth & horror that it carried along with it.  …But, no more could I see what lay ahead – the path I dreamed of had all but disappeared…

I resented the “parents” who haphazardly approach their roles, not caring or even trying, mostly annoyed at this “burden”  upon them.  They care only for their own desires, constantly complaining about their kids.      How is it that their children are fine, yet you, so young, are faced with so many trials?  How?

I did all I could.  I followed the rules; I didn’t cheat.  Ate none of the wrong foods.  Followed the doctor’s orders to a T.  It wasn’t easy (it never is), but I knew I was doing right.   I tried to take control, be responsible, but in the end I felt I failed you.  That somehow, somewhere, there was something more I should have done…

To not be in control was so hard for me…it’s all I knew/ what I did.  I organized the chaos and put things in order.  My job was organizing, managing, delegating Everything – down to the colored-coded  file tabs.  It was so hard not to have control.   ….I so wanted to be.

This thing that was happening was as much about me as it was about you.  We both had so much relearning to do – you in therapy, and mine in my heart.  You had physically lost your words and your way, but I needed to metaphorically lose them too, in order to start my new path of healing.  Needed to TRUST, instead of to SEE.  Need to have FAITH, instead of a WELL LAID-OUT PLAN.  Needed PEACE while surrounded by FEAR.    Little by little I learned to let go and let God – trusting in His wisdom and his plan for you.

Today is so different from a year ago…So much has changed.  Everyday I see more how your differences make you Special – How your Uniqueness is needed by this world. (It was needed by me.)   I don’t know, nor can I see what lies ahead, but no longer do I have to.  I Trust, knowing you are in His capable hands – and that God has a plan and a path for you.  It may not be what I dreamed, imagined, or wanted, but it is the Best plan, tailor-made just for you.

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”  – Ecclesiastes 11:5

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“Dear Child of Mine,

I love you! (John 15:4)

I have called you by name. (Isaiah 43:1)

You are mine. Before I formed you. I knew YOU. And before you were born,

I consecrated you (Jeremiah 1:15)

You did not choose me, I have chosen YOU. (John 15:16)

Because you are precious to me and honored, I love you. (Isaiah 43:4)

I have loved you with an everlasting love, so I continue to show my

constant love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

How can I abandon you? My love for you is too strong. (Hosea 11:8)

Can a woman forget her own baby and not love the child she bore? Yet Even

should she forget, I can never forget you. See, I have carved you on the

palm of my hand (Isaiah 49:15-16)

For I, the Lord your God, am holding you by the right hand. (Isaiah 41:13)

Do not be afraid. I have redeemed you. (Isaiah 43:1)

I am with you. (Isaiah 43:5)

And be sure of this, I am with you ALWAYS until the end of the world.

(Matthew 28:20)

Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in me (John 14:1)

I will help you. (Isaiah 41:4)

When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you. Your troubles will

not overwhelm you.

The hard trial that comes will not hurt you (Isaiah 43:2)

Do not worry. (Luke 12:9)

Even the hairs of your head have been numbered, so there is no need to be

afraid of anything. (Matthew 10:30)

The mountains may depart and the hills be shaken, but my steadfast love for

you will never end. (John 54:10)

Come, I will lead you into solitude and there, I will speak tenderly to

your heart. I will be true and faithful. I will show you constant love,

and make you mine forever, I will keep my promise and you will really know

me than as never before. (Hosea 1:14: 19-20)

I am who I am. (Exodus 3:14)

I am the Lord, your God. (Hosea 13,14)

THE FAITHFUL GOD. (Deuteronomy 7:9)”   

-borrowed and adapted from Dear Child of Mine – poem

  

Tags: autism, child, control, God, life, love, path, remembering, trusting
Filed under: Micah