Reflections of D-day (Discovery day)

….

….

….

….

I’m not good at journaling, never have been.  I just don’t write my thoughts down every day…but I find myself trying to pick up this habit and attempting to journal every once in a while.  It never sticks (also why my blog posts are random and few & far between), but I try.  I did “try” to start again a few months ago as a way to mull through my feelings about an intense situation that was taking place in our lives.

After sharing a few posts here about our journey these last 6 months with the diagnosis process for Micah and the confirmation that he has Autism, I feel I should share the journal entry that I wrote soon after realizing or “discovering” that Micah was different.

..

It’s been amazing how many of my friends and acquaintances have approached me about the autism subject since we sent out our Christmas newsletter & had a one-page mention about Micah’s diagnosis.  I never thought it would mean that much to so many others.    I want to be candid and transparent though.  I don’t want someone that might read this post, or earlier ones to think that I am super-strong and never struggled or freaked out at all, cause that is far from the truth.  I totally had my sleepless nights and cry fests….so if you are beginning down this journey into the world of Special Needs parenting or diagnosis of some other disorder/condition/etc…don’t think you are weak, or alone, for that matter.   We were all in your shoes at one point…but, there is hope.  This is not the end.  Things can be & will be tough, but you do not walk this path alone.

Now I’m just gonna post straight from my journal and share with you my thoughts from those early days…

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

“2 Aug 11
10:13pm
It was 3 weeks ago this Monday.  That was the day that while I was sitting watching Micah do a repetitive behavior of walking in circles around the kitchen/living room for 10 minutes, only to be interrupted by a short diaper change, and then return to walking in circles for another 7 minutes, that is when I realized something was not right.  Developmentally, this is NOT a normal behavior for a 21-month old.
It was at that moment that my fears were revealed.  The thing I had feared the most, even before his birth… and, at each milestone I had checked for any signs of – that fear was now staring me plainly in the face and taunting me.
It was in that second of time that I understood what was going on…Micah was likely Autistic.
(My actual thought at this moment was: Oh.. Myyy.. God!  Micah’s Au-tis-tic!)

As soon as I recognized this behavior of this developmental disorder, all the other behaviors that had gone unnoticed came rushing to my mind clear-as-day.  Micah wasn’t speaking anymore – it wasn’t just him not talking as much, like he does during teething episodes because his mouth hurts.  He wasn’t talking – period, the end.  This had happened slowly over the last 2 months…words beginning to drop off here & there and be replaced with cries and other verbal/visual cues.  Also, there were the unexplained tantrums.  They totally made sense – another behavior!  There was the babbling, the lack of pointing, the other repetitive behaviors that also ALL started up these last few months…add that up with Micah’s temperament/nature to be sensitive to light, sound, & touch, and all the dots seemed to connect.

It all made sense.   Horrible sense…but, still, now I understood.
My heart sank!  How could this be?!?    Micah made all of his milestones goals.  He had a good vocabulary…
How could he have Autism (or another neurological disorder)??
Why him? Why, God!
Please, don’t let this be!  This can’t be happening….but, it is.

This is how I felt.  Totally defeated. Scared. Hurt.
My precious child had something wrong and I  couldn’t protect him from it.  I couldn’t fix it… I felt the most powerless I have ever felt in my life.
God, please help…don’t let this happen!
I’m not ready for this.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this…
Please?…
Just silence… &  the aching in my heart –

– interrupted by the idiosyncratic giggles coming from my child who was now fascinated with climbing up & down, up & down, up & down, in a chair.

That’s how it all started….”
———————————————————————————————————

No Comments (yet)

Leave a Reply

Comments RSS Subscribe to the Comments RSS.
Trackback Leave a trackback from your site.
Trackback URL: https://www.smashedbananas.com/index.php/2012/01/18/reflections-of-d-day-discovery-day/trackback